Dear White People: The Cookout is cancelled

After a week of noose sittings, Bill Maher calling himself a house nigger and Tropicana Trump unraveling the bind that holds this country together, I decided to cancel the cookout. In actuality the cookout isn’t really canceled but it is to you. Allow me to steal a line from one of my favorite Caucasian movies… You can’t sit with us. The rent is already too damm high and we really need some space so even those of you who have been pre-approved for this metaphoric cookout may need to make other plans.

{For your reference: A cookout is a black community gathering where culture is expressed/created and awaits appropriation. It is where loved ones reunite and temporarily dismiss any outstanding “beef” for the sake of grandma. It is where a family member can be ousted for bringing nauseating potatoes salad. It is one of the few acceptable places where you can play the cha-cha slide, cupid shuffle, wobble and other line dances on repeat and few will complain. It is also where diets and dietary restrictions do not apply unless you are Cousin Jamal who doesn’t eat pork now that he is Muslim. It is also where everyone wants to be this summer. }

Dear new gentrified neighbors; again my rent is too dam high so this year I am going to enjoy the cookout without having to entertain your complex dietary needs. We will not be serving gluten free potatoes salad, vegan mac and cheese and I cannot confirm or deny if the chicken is GMO free. Unfortunately for me I still shop at the grocery store in the middle of the food desert because I will not allow Whole Foods to take my whole check. Aunt Michelle will not have time be the rhythm fairy godmother as your limbs wobble uncontrollably to the electric slide and cupid shuffle. You will not interrupt the DJ set to request a Katy Perry song, please let us enjoy things.

I hate to be the one to restrict you from the amazing experience that is the cookout but perhaps it’s time for us to close our borders and build a wall to protect our culture like you tried to take our bantu knots and call them mini buns. And what's up with this whole noose thing? really? I'm not scared of rope but the disrespect is "tew much" to handle. As I’m getting better at adulting I am learning that at times it’s better to throw out the etiquette book and uninvite you than to have to deal with the awkward silence when you slip up and sing the N-word part in the latest rap song. Speaking of the N-word where is Bill Maher? I’m not one bit ok with the whole house nigger comment and if in 2017 we still have to explain why (insert spongebob meme) “YoU cAnNoT Use ThE nWoRd” then it’s time for that dead horse to have a proper burial, thus why I am canceling the cookout. If you are one of those people who says that there are more important issues in the black community than the use of the N-Word then I tell you this, we know. There are always bigger and more important issues, Flint still doesn’t have clean water, but let the people be mad at what they want.

I hear there is a gourmet, artisan, craft beer festival of sorts that you can attend other than disrupting this year’s cookout.