Single and afraid

Single and afraid

just being honest. 

 

I can scream “living my best life” till I’m blue in the face but deep down inside I feel incomplete without a healthy relationship.  

I still have sand in my shoes from my latest vacation to Trinidad  and although it was an amazing trip there isn’t enough ocean views, soca music, roti and puncheon to make me believe that I wouldn’t have enjoyed it more with a bae at my side. 

It is with an honest heart that I proclaim that despite all my “girls run the world” rhetoric I still define my true worth by my ability to get and keep a man. I can’t recall how many Disney princess movies I overdosed on for this though to rest in my subconscious but it’s thriving there. 

I’m single and afraid that I will forever have to list my sister as my emergency contact. Im single and afraid that I’ll be well into my 50’s still asking guys what they like to do and cringing at “wyd” txt in the middle of the night. Let me adopt my 27 cats now  

I often joke with my friends that I wish my mother could just arrange a marriage for me. The gag is that I’m not really joking. At this point I would gladly accept a groom selected by my mother, I can easily blame her if it doesn’t work out. The thought of doing the work to maintain a relationship and watching it slip through my fingers again is completely frightening.  

I’m  single and afraid that I will swiped right and left till my fingers ache and still be fruitless in the search of a mate. So blessed be my fruit and may the lord open. I’m single and afraid that I may actually find the one, only to later find out that despite my best attempts at being a wife his flesh will weaken at the slightest touch of another woman. 

I love myself. I promise I do but that doesn’t stop the panic brewing in my subconscious at the though of being single pass my shelf life, I’m  knocking on 30 and the door to 40 is well in sight. 

Being this honest without self is a task, even as I write these words the strong woman you see at the forefront is frowning and angered but also saddened by the honesty.  

The pressures of getting and maintaining relationships are exhausting and I want to recuse myself from this dance but I’m afraid of spending a lifetime being single......and afraid.