There is a part of me that is basically Olivia Pope, a fixer. I want my friends to come to me with their problems and I want to look them in the eye and say that famous line.
For the last year of my last relationship that was my role. We were living together and I was anxious to play that wifey Susie homemaker real house wife of Temple Hills role. As independent and feminist as I like to appear deep rooted in my DNA is an African woman who wants to marry a good guy and play a domestic role. For a couple of months I felt like I was going down this path.
I’ve heard of crazy stories about how women were taken advantage of financially by the men they were dating but that wasn’t me. Unlike them I was smart and at this point I had been in a relationship for 6 years so we were solid.
(narrator reads)She couldn’t have been more wrong.
The money problems came out of nowhere. One day I came home to a cable bill that unbeknownst to me hadn’t been paid for about 5 months. After a long talk with a tear eyed boyfriend I realized that this was my moment, I can step in and be Olivia Pope and save the day and he would fall more in love with me and we would live happily ever after
It was handled!
(in my Kevin Hart voice) So I had a checking and a savings…. Luckily for me there was money there and with every problem I flew in and saved the day. This became a trend for the both of us. He would default on one of his obligations and I would swoop in and save the day. I became less focused on why he was messing up and became focused on preparing myself for WHEN he would mess up. Breaking up with him was out of the question, I mean we were together for 6 years! I wasn’t going to throw that all away just yet so we continued like this.
My white hat became rusty. One save after another I found myself in a financial crisis. I has borrowed money from family, opened up a credit card and I stared astonished at my now empty savings account. With every conversation about money I was fed lie after lie until I felt myself reach rock bottom. Was this my life? Was I really going to stay in a relationship with someone who consistently neglected their responsibilities? Yup, I still wasn’t going anywhere. I was living in a twilight zone where I wasn’t ok with anything that was happening but I was somehow operating on auto pilot. One thing led to (a WHOLE lot) another then I found myself packing my bags and moving in with mother.
And there I was. In more debt that I could bear, depressed and still confused about how I got here. The irony of it all was that there were several times where I tried to reach out to him in hopes that we could get back together, I didn’t want those 7 years to just be for nothing! My road to healing was going to be long because there was a lot to be unpacked here.
Lot of tears, therapy and prayer later I’m still paying off debt I incurred for him for working through other issues.
One of the biggest lessons I learned from this was that I was so fixated on being in a relationship and taking care of someone that I completely took my life off track. One day, as a sick exercise I tallied up all the money he owed and I cried knowing I would never get it back. There were times when I even sent him venom or cash app request just hoping that he would be remorseful. It never happened.
As time began to heal my wounds I relished in the fact that through it all God didn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle. I became Olivia Pope for myself and rescued me for once. I created a Vision Board and focused on getting my life back. I slowly started to gain clarity.
Becoming Debt Free
This experience made me think harder about my money. During the time since the breakup I have been trying to figure out how to become more financially stable. In come Dave Ramsey and the #DebtFreeCommunity. I trolled around Instagram and found a whole world of people with all types of financial problems using a method that seemed to be working in order to reach financial peace. I stopped pass my library and picked up the “Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey and now I am well on my way to financial freedom. If you follow me on Instagram you know that I have already completed baby step 1 and I’m very close to paying off one of my loans using the debt snowball method.
I am taking ownership of my actions, forgiving myself for making these mistakes and working to create a better life for myself. I am still far from my goals but I am certain never to lose sight of myself again.
I will be posting more details on my debt free journey soon.