5 people who will catch hands in 2018

5 people who will catch hands in 2018

2017 came in like a thief in the night and grabbed us all by the pussy and after much-needed counseling, it is time to regroup and grab the bull by its horns. Last year I made this list (check it out here) and I may be re-adding one or two of those people.

I entered 2017 single and ready to mingle, spent the year being totally open and somewhat experimental with my dating, and boy that was a roller coaster! The year wasn’t bad for me, I made great strides with my blogging, started taking my health seriously and even got a raise! I want to continue this flow for 2018 and in order to do so there are a few people that will have to step aside.

Tropicana Trump- Throw the whole presidency away! With the high turnover, his cabinet was more like a season of “The Apprentice” than a governing body, I mean even Omorasa got the boot within the first year! And I’m still not sure what the future of healthcare or my taxes are going to be but we going to keep pouring coconut oil until the problem goes away. But I won't be debating with anyone about him. only throwing hands. 

Handsy Harry- Sexual harassment was a big topic this year! I really hope everyone had to sit and watch those silly HR videos that tell you not to touch/speak to your co-workers inappropriately since yall don’t have any home training. Can we have a special HR sessions to those who don't know how to act at company holiday parties? Don't let that bourbon turn you into a predator. In 2018 we all have deadlines and reports that are due and we are not trying you have to fight off all the male employees. We also don’t what any more of our favorite shows canceled, that one is for you Kevin Spacey….. (Tyra Voice) I was rooting for you…. we were all rooting for you! 

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Hotep Hassan- yea, yea, I know that the white standard of beauty had brainwashed me into thinking that I need to wear 28-inch Brazilian hair. I never thought I would get annoyed by the overuse of the word queen but 2017 has shown us a lot of things. To all the Hotep Hassans out there who have a Rolodex of irrelevant Afrocentric statistics to quote every time there is a trendy topic yall can have some seats. We also don’t need you to remind us of all the things wrong with some national/religion holidays, we just want our day off, abeg. There is no room in the 2018 agenda for your conspiracies or your attempt at sounding woke. So, my Brother, my Nubian King, pipe dafuq down.

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Shady Sidney- The shade has got to stop! In 2018 surround yourself with women who encourage you and support you we have no space for fake friends and people who don’t want to level up. Sometimes your life can be moving in a different direction than that of your friends an that’s ok. We all have that one friend that’s the Debbie Downer and its time we pull sis to the side or just kick her to the curb. We are walking in our purpose with clear skin and snatched waist and have no time for the shady sisters. 

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George the Ghost- Can we stop ghosting in 2018? Or are we already hardwired with that trait? During this last year of dating, I will admit that I did some ghosting but I also got ghosted more times than I wanted to. I’m a hop away from 30 and I want to be more mature and I would like you to join me. Instead of ghosting those we are no longer interested in dating can we just tell them? Is that too confrontational for yall? I’m really trying to be more intentional with my dating and I have my eye on this sexy dark skin dude (i hope he reads this) but I need God to deliver him to me, yall my momma still asking for grandkids and I’m running out of excuses.

Honourable Mentions- Speaking of my momma, now I know way better than to even look like I'm going to hit my momma but this whole grandkids thing has to stop. Do you have grandkids money? I don't see you helping me pay my loans so it seems like you barely have kid money. Dating is not what it was like back in the day and finding a man has been a struggle for me. I'm just trying to work on the summer body I promised I would have back in 2011 so please stop asking. 

I have very specific goals for next year and I want to get them done! I have created my vision board and I am fully equipt to conquer my goals so please have these 5 people stay away from me and off my internet so I can have peace. I have been hitting the gym more consistently so the hands are ready for those who want them.

Sincerely,

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