I almost can't believe Thanksgiving is next week! Just don’t show up with a bowl of Neiman Marcus’s Collard Greens and you will really be fine.
Thanksgiving is the time of year when we get together with our family and break bread while we pretend that this made up holiday doesn’t celebrate the commencement of Native American genocide. *shade*. So pass the yams and grandma’s stuffing as I fill my plate just slightly over diabetes as we discuss my personal life.
For some of us this is the only time of year we get to see the entire family under the same roof, other than a funeral of course. So you really can’t be surprised that Aunt Charlene is mixing in an extra cup of side eye in the gravy this year. Your best bet of surviving dinner is to give short answers, bring the attention to someone else or fake a stomach ache because everyone knows that your uncle can’t cook, I don’t know why he is still allowed to bring his dish, seat at the table revoked.
Sometimes I feel like I want to pass a memo to everyone explaining why I’m still single so that they can all leave me alone but I have come to accept the fact that it is your family’s duty to be all in your grill. When Grandma asks you why you can’t seem to get a man let her know that it’s Trump’s fault. All the available bachelors are still mourning the departure of Obama and all the white guys are racist and you don’t want to upset the ancestors. I bet if you carry on the rest of the night in this manner while explaining to anyone with an ear your thoughts on the disenfranchisement of minorities by white America, everyone would get it. Once everyone is completely annoyed you will be left in peace to enjoy the rest of that Ham your cousin claimed she made, but we all know she got it from the Honey Baked Ham Store.
Enjoy this time with your family for the comedy that it is. Accept that even when you do finally find a man they will pepper him with questions about marriage. Once you are married you will be inundated with questions about when to have a child. Once you do have a child everyone will become a child psychologist and give you parenting advice, even Aunt Bertha who doesn’t even have any kids. Keep the wine flowing until that food coma sets in. The holidays are rigged, bigly but we’ll get through it. Maybe your black Friday savings will comfort you, retail therapy is the best.
Until Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving!